Environment plays a big role in what kind of language you use. Different people affect your language. I speak differently around my family than I do around my friends. This shows how environment changes your language.This paragraph begs a series of questions which could easily have been answered within the paragraph itself: HOW do different people influence the language one uses? Why does this happen? HOW, specifically, does this writer speak around her/his family, and around his/her friends? What makes that speech different?
Environment plays a big role in what kind of language you use. Different people affect your language. For example, I speak differently around my family than I do around my friends. I talk about things with one group that I don't with the other, and in different ways. This shows how environment changes your language.This paragraph answers some of the questions which the previous version didn't -- but not many. WHY does this writer speak differently around different people? What does "speak differently" mean, anyway -- does it refer to manner, or content, or both? What "things" does this writer mean -- and what "ways"? Also: this paragraph still doesn't SHOW how environment changes one's language.
revision 2 (new revisions underlined):
Environment plays a big role in what kind of language you use. Different people affect your language. For example, I speak differently and discuss different topics with my family than I do with my friends. With my family I use less slang than I do with my friends, especially around my parents and grandparents. I use a little slang around my parents, but never around my grandparents. My sisters and brothers and I use a lot of slang around each other. With my friends, it's almost all slang, plus some in-jokes and things that only we understand. Also, when I talk with my family, there are some things we never discuss that I wouldn't think twice about discussing with my friends. This shows how environment changes your language.This version goes into a little more detail than version 1, but still leaves questions. The details the writer provides this time are only semi-specific: they almost give specific information, but not quite.
Environment plays a big role in what kind of language you use. Your audience is part of that environment. Different people affect your language. For example, I speak differently and discuss different topics with my family than I do with my friends. I use less slang with my family than I do with my friends, especially around my parents and grandparents. I use a little slang around my parents, but never around my grandparents because it's disrespectful and because they probably wouldn't understand it. My sisters and brothers and I use a lot of slang around each other because we're closer in age to each other, and understand what the slang means. When my parents are around, however, there's always a level of formality (even moreso when my grandparents visit) which controls my speech. With my friends, since there isn't the formality that there is with my family,it's almost all slang (like "I'm chillin'" or "I'm Jonesing for some coffee"), plus some in-jokes and things that only we understand (like "He pulled a Melczarek today"). Also, when I talk with my family, there are some things we never discuss that I wouldn't think twice about discussing with my friends.Sex is something I can talk about with my friends, but not with my family, because I feel more comfortable talking about it with my friends who are less likely to judge me than my family. Similarly, my friends would probably find talking about my family matters, like whose house to spend Thanksgiving at, what color to paint the living room, or whether to tell Grammy that she's actually been eating doggy biscuits all these years, pretty boring. These examples show how not only your audience, but also that audience's expected level of formality, as well as your own level of comfort, affect not only how you speak to them but also what topics you can discuss.This revision answers almost all the questions which the previous versions left unanswered. All that's needed now, of course, is to polish this paragraph's language.
Environment plays a major role in how people communicate. Audience is an important component of environment, since different people influence one's language. For example, I speak differently and discuss different topics with my family than I do with my friends. I use less slang with my family than I do with my friends, especially around my parents and grandparents, because it's disrespectful and because they probably wouldn't understand what I was saying. My siblings and I often use slang around each other because we're closer in age to each other, and understand what the slang means. With my parents (and even moreso with my grandparents), however, there's always a level of formality which controls my speech. With my friends, since there isn't the formality that there is with my family, slang (such as "I'm chillin'" or "I'm Jonesing for some coffee") and private references ("He pulled a Melczarek today") comprise the majority of our speech. Also, there are topics that I never discuss with my family that I wouldn't think twice about discussing with my friends. Sex is something I can talk about with my friends, but not with my family, because I feel more comfortable talking about it with my friends since they are less likely to judge me than my family. Similarly, my friends would probably find talking about my family matters -- such as whose house to spend Thanksgiving at, what color to paint the living room, or whether to tell Grammy that she's actually been eating doggy biscuits all these years -- unbearably boring. These examples show how audience, that audience's expected level of formality, as well as one's own level of comfort, dictate both one's manner of speech and one's subject matter.It's not *exactly* perfect, but it's close.