Example Peer Introductions


Here are some example introductions from peers' C&E essay proposals. Each example includes the topic/thesis of the essay, and then the introduction. Notice how each one works to grab the reader's attention, and then (hopefully) leads the reader into the paper's point. [These have not yet been edited for grammar, format, etc. -- so they're RAW.]

Example 1
Effect: Good students from high school often fail out or are close to it in their first semester at college.
Intro paragraph:
According to the writer Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Success is to laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children..." However, he does not mention that success is getting a college education and finding a job, the most important in living a prosperous life. Succeeding in college is crucial to setting up the rest of your life. Then why is it that students from high school with high GPA's and SAT scores often ruin their first semester and fail? A first semester at college is important to future semesters at college and in being successful, but so many students fail and there are many causes for it.

  • Notice how this introduction not only uses a quotation from a famous thinker, but also uses what the thinker seems to have overlooked as a point of departure.

    Example 2
    Introduction: Quick call 911! Amanda is passed out on the floor! As the ambulance speeds away, the only question is why? Was it because of a problem in her relationship with Tommy? "It seemed as though everything was fine." Did she have a problem with drugs or anything like that? "I doubt it, she was the "ideal" student." Were there problems amongst the family? "Her mother and father were active in the PTA, so that doesn't seem to be it." Well then why? Lets take a closer look at young Amanda's life.
    Extended Thesis: The reason for a juvenile suicide is not always apparent. Being a kid is not as easy as it seems, especially if you try and grow up to fast. The problems only compound themselves if you fall in love, get involved in drugs, or have a dysfunctional family.

  • This introduction drops the reader right into an the essay's situation. What this writer might now consider is how to incorporate the extended thesis into the introduction (remember: not necessarily in the same paragraph) without losing the drama of the opening scene.

    Example 3
    Expanded Thesis: A loving parent's instinct to be protective is inevitable. However, in the eyes of the recipient of this protection, the child or children, may perceive this protection as overprotectiveness. Some may say that it is better to be overprotective than to be 'under-protective'. But this is not always the case. In fact, it can be unhealthy for a child to experience an excess of protectiveness, and can lead to rebellion.
    Example Introduction: Marcie was never allowed to go anywhere. She was a senior in high school and she had only been out with her friends once and that's only because she skipped school once. She never went to parties except family parties and she was not allowed to date. Even what she was allowed to wear was restricted. But she'd show them when she got out of that house and on her own... she was going to party!!!

  • This example works the same way -- and needs the same attention -- as Example 2.

    Example 4
    Imagine this: a seven-year-old child sees the movie 101 Dalmations and falls in love with the dogs. She begs and begs her parents to buy her a dalmation for Christmas. After much debate, her parents give in and Jenny receives 'Rickles' on December 25th. Eight months down the road, Jenny is unhappy with the size of Rickles and wants a new, smaller puppy. Again after much debate, her parents give in and buy Jenny a new puppy. But what happens to Rickles? Along with millions of other pets, Rickles is brought to a Humane Society. We, as proud Americans, must end this cruel behavior towards any kind of helpless pet. Love is not a question of convenience, and this hold true to one's pet.

  • This example does the same thing as the previous one: drops the reader into the situation. This writer may want to clarify what exactly is the cause-and-effect relationship in this essay.

    Example 5
    Thesis/statement: The examples and guidelines my parents have set regarding money spending have directly affected my habits today and will, in turn, determine my financial well-being in the future.
    Introduction including extended thesis:
    "I hate you! Why can't I have just one pair of Guess Jeans? It's not fair!" Can you relate? An argument similar to this burst out of my mouth just about every weekend of my childhood years. Whether it was a slip-and-slide I saw advertised on T.V., a new board game my neighborhood playmate got for a birthday gift, or a cool Gap shirt my best friend wore to school, I always seemed to want things my parents just didn't seem to want to buy for me.
    Of course, at such a young age I assumed my parents didn't want to give me what I desired. The notion never came to me that money is required to buy such things - money my parents didn't have. Why can't money grow on trees, I wondered. If this were the case I could stop hating my parents, have all the clothes, toys, and whatever else I wanted, and refrain from ever having this argument again. Since we all know this phenomenon has such a slim chance of occuring, parents must take the initiative to guide children toward responsible money-spending habits. This means saying "no" to a desperate crying five-year-old who seems to only know how to begin a sentence with, "I want."
    When it comes to parenting there are multitudinous values and lessons parents strive to instill in their children. However, merely imparting these teachings to children is not enough. Parents must also put these lessons into practice themselves. Only the combination of these two actions will render the desired positive effect. The examples and guidelines my parents have set regarding money spending have directly affected my habits today and will, in turn, determine my financial well-being in the future. By bargain shopping, encouraging me to earn an allowance, and assigning me the responsibility of buying my own car, my parents have taught me a lifetime lesson that will help and guide my financial decisions.

  • THIS example not only drops readers into the situation, but also gives some extended opening thoughts both to the topic and to the writer's involvement with that topic.
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